uncontrollable urge
2002-07-24, 8:11 p.m.



Today I announced that I need to become a Buddhist. More specifically, that I need to live in monastery. Shave my head, rid myself of worldly possessions. Have *nothing* but the clothes on my back. Just focus on breathing most of the day. I played the scenario out, out loud, and soon after I concluded my epiphanous fantasy I went shopping for a backpack and groceries.

Earlier today I saw pictures of my internal organs, in little slices of images. I saw the bones of my spine in an X-ray. I drove home with my head bobbling upon my shoulders and my organs encased in my skin and my upper bodily consciousness riding on that spine from the pictures, trying not to think about about that rather slender jaggedy pile of bones holding my body up. I'm not a squeamish person, mind you, but sometimes...sometimes in health class I would slide limply down the seat attached to my desk in 6th grade health class, immobilized from thinking about the blood in my veins.

(Yes the house is hot and there are ants biting my feet but I am compelled to push at the keys and make words and tell you all about it. Just the same as I pushed the buttons all day in vain, to try to connect to a voice that would tell me I could go learn things at the local education emporium. I failed.)

All I want is to go walk in the breeze and stick my toes in a fountain. So that's-a what I'm a-gonna do.



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